People who shouldn't be parents
by Tinni
Summary: Gin and Aizen discuss parenting
1. Why Gin shouldn't have children

**People who shouldn't be parents: Why Gin shouldn't have children**

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing!

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"Cap'n Aizen, ya need someone ta hug!" declared Ichimaru.

"No, I do not," replied Aizen firmly.

"Come on Cap'n Aizen, I ain't say'n ya have to have a proper relationship, just someone ta play with. Who do ya want?" Ichimaru asked.

"Matsumoto Rangiku," said Aizen with a dead pan expression on his face, in a dead pan voice.

Silence. "I can find ya a look alike," offered Gin.

"Gin!" cried Aizen, "I want Matsumoto-kun about as much as I want you!" Aizen assured him, "Which is to say, not at all! For crying out loud I have known her since she was a child! Only Kyoraku can hit on a woman he's known since she was a very little girl."

"Cap'n eight just likes girls with black 'air and glasses," replied Gin, "I 'eard he used ta have the hots for that Lisa chick, I wonder what happened ta 'er and the others."

"Failed experiments do not concern me," replied Aizen indifferently, "Now go away!"

"Come-on Cap'n Aizen! There got ta be someone ya like?" pestered Gin.

"Gin don't you have anything better to do?" demanded Aizen, "Go play with Kira-kun or go cuddle with Matsumoto-kun. In fact, go do anything that does't involve you lying in my office pestering me."

"I ain't talk'n to either of those two traitors," said Gin grumpily, "They have both been spend'n too much time with people who ain't me."

"... so is that why you are lounging here concealing your reiatsu," said Aizen, "Honestly Gin, for all that you look like an adult, you are so very childish."

"Speak'n of kids," said Ichimaru, "I should get Rangiku pregnant, that'll stop 'er from fool'n around," he declared, "As for Izuru... yes that'll stop 'im from spend'n too much time drink'n with Abarai and Hisagi, cause he'll have to babysit! Cause that'll be trouble fer ya as well, Cap'n Aizen, because you'll have to do the rais'n part of child rais'n fer me and Rangiku. I mean, everybody knows me and Rangiku are too selfish ta be good parents. Although you ain't exactly selfless... but I suppose ya did a good job with me! But then I was already a child... but it's ok me and Rangiku will look after it while it's a baby and then when kid's old enough ta have his own zanpakuto we'll palm 'im off ta ya! Won't you love having a chibi me in yer squad again!"

"Whatever it takes to get you to leave my office," replied Aizen indifferently, "Leave Gin!"

"Now I am not in the mood ta make a baby no more," said Gin with a pout, "So I'm just gonna stay right 'ere!"

"Please forgive me Captain Aizen," called Hinamori from the outside the door, "But I have the report you asked for."

"Come in, Hinamori-kun," said Aizen.

As soon as Hinamori's eyes feel on Ichimaru she froze, "My apologies I didn't mean to interrupt your meeting," she said formally, addressing both Ichimaru and Aizen.

"Well since yer 'ere ya can give yer opinion, Hinamori-kun," said Ichimaru, "Do ya think Cap'n Aizen did a good job rais'n me? More importantly, do ya think Cap'n Aizen would do a good job rais'n my kid?"

"Ha?"

Aizen sighed, "Gin, anyone who hides in my office because he's throwing a temper tantrum over his subordinate and his girlfriend spending too much time with their friends instead of himself is decades, if not centuries away from being ready to father children!" he said.

"Yer no fun, Cap'n Aizen," protested Gin with a pout, "Fine! I think I'll go mess with Rukia-chan. That'll cheer me up!"

"He's not serious about having a baby is he?" demanded Hinamori when Ichimaru had left. She actually managed to look frightened at the prospect.

"I certainly hope not," said Aizen, "He's been threatening to have one for the last decade or so. But a baby is yet to materialise. I think he's afraid."

"Afraid of babies?" wondered Hinamori.

"In a manner of speaking," replied Aizen, "He's afraid of having a baby boy. Gin would love to have a baby girl. Gin would hate to have a baby boy."

"Why doesn't he want a boy?" asked Hinamori.

"Because when you mother is Matsumoto Rangiku, the Oedipus complex is not out of the realm of possibility," replied Aizen.

"Ewwww!" exclaimed Hinamori.

"Ewww indeed," agreed Aizen.

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**Author's note:** I know that Aizen and Gin are borderline out-of-character but I was just having fun. 


	2. Why Aizen doesn't have children

**People who shouldn't be parents: Why Aizen doesn't have children**

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing!

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"Cap'n Aizen," began Gin, "What kinda father do ya think ya would make?" he asked suddenly.

"Ichimaru!" interjected Tosen, "We were discussion our plans for the coming fight in Karakura Town!" he pointed out, "We need to do this. We need to...."

"I would make a great father," replied Aizen, cutting Tosen off, "I would teach my children to be self reliant and help them to grow-up as strong, independent people who would bring credit to my name."

"So if ya think that, how come ya don' have no children?" wondered Ichimaru.

"I never met the right woman," replied Aizen, "Most women would not let me do what I wanted with my children and nothing weakens a person more then an interfering, doting mother."

"Ya could always just impregnate a random woman and then steal the baby off of 'er and raise 'em however ya want," suggested Ichimaru.

"Well I was actually thinking of impregnating that Orihime girl after the war was over. Then I would take the children from her and raise them as I please!" replied Aizen, "With proper management they will surely be as ideal individuals as you, yourself are. After all, you are something like a son to me."

"Thanks!" replied Gin with a grin, "What kinda father do a think I would make?" wondered Gin.

"A terrible one!" screamed Tosen, "Can we get on with the meeting?"

"I must agree with Kaname," replied Aizen, "You would spoil any girls you have and be too hard on any boys you have."

"I don' want boys," declared Gin, "I just want cute little girls that I can dress-up in pretty Kimonos and tie their hair-up in colourful ribbons and give 'er all the stuff I couldn't give Rangiku when we were young. Of course all my girls will be as beautiful as my Rangiku, cause the girls will all take after 'er and then I'll build a big fortress and keep Rangiku and my girls locked away in it, away from everyone so no one could take 'em away from me. I'll kill anyone who even looks at 'em! Starting with Hisagi!" he emphasised this by pulling out a very battered and abused Hisagi voodoo doll and stabbing it with Shinsou repeatedly, "Die ya scarred punk! Stop ogling my Rangiku ya worthless trash!"

"I think it is time for some tea, Kaname," said Aizen as Gin proceeded to pull out a Hitsugaya doll and doing the same to it while mumbling, "Ya die too, Cap'n Ten! We all know ya are in love with my Rangiku! Die! Die! Die!"

"Yes Aizen-sama," replied Tosen as Gin started pulling out dolls of other male members of the Gotei 13 and started stabbing them all, "Ya can all die! Ya wanna know why I betrayed Soul Society! Cause I wanted ta kill ya all! Stop looking at her! Just cause she shows her breasts don' mean ya have to look at 'em! Have some self control already! Die! Die! Die!"

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**Author's Notes:** Out of character I know, but I am just having fun with these stories. Well I am pretty much done with this random collection of one-shots.


	3. Orihime's Opinion

**People who shouldn't be parents: Orihime's Opinion**

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing!

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"That power of yours, I would much appreciate it if you used it for my sake," Aizen told Orihime as he finished showing her the Hougyoku. He smiled warmly at her, and turned to call Loly and Menoly back in escort her back to her cell when the door opened and Gin walked-in.

"Ah! Sorry Cap'n Aizen, didn' realise ya had company," said Gin, "It' Orihime-chan ain' it?" he asked of Orihime.

Orihime nodded, "You must be Ichimaru-san," she said.

"Now I do feel special," said Gin, "Ya heard about me."

Orihime nodded, shooting Gin a look of utter loathing, much like the ones Nanao always gave him - Gin noted, curious that. But Orihime's next words explained it all, "Rangiku-san told me about you."

"Aha! So that' why a look like ya want to flay me alive!" he said, utterly delighted, "Does that mean that Rangiku is sad about me leav'n? Is she upset? Does she cry?" Orihime glared at him, "She does!" exclaimed Gin. The next instance, Orihime found herself swept-up into Gin's arms as Gin started dancing around the room with her, "She still loves me!" he cried as he twirled around the room with Orihime, "Her heart is broken, she's still mine!"

"Don't be so happy about it!" cried Orihime with rare heat, trying to extract herself from Gin's grasp - but Gin just tightened his grip and continued dancing with her, "She sheds tears in her sleep and whispers your name! It's horrible! Toshiro-kun is so worried about her! As is Nanao-san and Hisagi-san and..."

Abruptly Gin pushed her away, "Is that scarred punk try'n the put the moves on my Rangiku?" he demanded, "Tell me the truth!"

Orihime blinked and then abruptly got really angry, "No! But we are all in agreement that he should! Hisagi-san will be so good for Rangiku-san," said Orihime, "He'll always treat her right and love her like she deserves to be loved. They would make such great parents too!" she said with a slightly dreamy expression.

"Well I think ya and Cap'n Aizen would make great parents," declared a livid Gin, "Maybe we should set ya up with Cap'n Aizen," taunted Gin.

"Please keep me out of this Gin," said Aizen in a long suffering tone. Aizen had settled himself in a chair that stood near-by and was watching the little drama unfold with some amusement.

Gin ignored Aizen, like Aizen knew he would, "What'cha say to that, Orihime-chan! How about ya and Cap'n Aizen get together and make cute little boys and pretty little girls."

"That doesn't even make sense!," Orihime protested, "Hisagi-san loves Rangiku-san and Rangiku-san cares about Hisagi-san a lot too. She can easily fall for him. If she would just get over you!" she said, glaring at Gin.

"Now ya sounding like Nanao!" said Gin with a pout, "She's always work'n ta break me and Rangiku up. But I'm happy ta say, in a 110 years she hasn' succeeded! An neither will ya!" Gin declared, "Rangiku will always be mine! Mine I tell ya! An' when this war is over, I'll marry 'er and then we'll have babies! An' I'm gonna make ya and Nanao babysit 'em, just ta rub in the fact that I won!"

Orihime started to reply but Aizen interjected, "Well at least you have abandoned the idea of getting me to babysit the children you have been threatening to have for... o the last 40 years."

"Nay, our kids will be on a rotating babysitting schedule! You'll be on Monday, Thursday and Sunday. Orihime-chan can be on Tuesday and Friday. So that'll leave Nanao with Wednesday and Saturday!" explained Gin.

"When exactly will you and Rangiku be taking care of your own children," wondered Aizen, "More importantly, why do I have to babysit for three days when Ise-kun and Orihime only have to babysit for two days. I thought you were punishing them!"

"Good point," said Gin, thinking hard on the topic, "I'll have ta re-draw the schedule! I'll be right back!" With that he rushed out of the room.

"Why is he taking this whole things so seriously!" wondered a distressed Orihime, "He's not really thinking of getting Rangiku-san pregnant is he? Rangiku-san would make a good mother if she was with someone like Hisagi-san. But she would make a terrible mother with someone like him!" said Orihime, "They are both so... so..."

"Unsuitable for parenting," Aizen completed the sentence for her, "I agree. Which is clearly why Gin has already planned to palm the actual "raising" part of having children on you, me and Ise-kun. Although I am pleased to see that you have resigned yourself to my victory. Afterall, if I wasn't victorious, Gin would be dead and the topic of him getting Matsumoto-kun pregnant wouldn't really come-up."

Orihime looked horrified but before she could say anything, Ulquiorra entered, "Forgive me the interruption, Aizen-sama, but I wanted to see if you were done with the girl."

"I am done," said Aizen, "But Gin might have a few words to say to her later regarding the babysitting schedule he has planned for her."

"Babysitting schedule?" wondered Ulquiorra, "I hope Ichimaru-sama is not planning on having a child. He would make a terrible father."

"I am glad we are all in agreement about that," replied Aizen with a smile.

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**Author's note:** I wonder who would be a better father, Aizen or Gin... hmmm...


	4. Rangiku's Dream

People who shouldn't be parents: Rangiku's Dream

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

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Hitsugaya walked into the office to find Rangiku sleeping on the couch again. He sighed and made a bee-line for his table, which was groaning under Rangiku's unfinished work. This was going to take time and if he didn't get a move on, he'll miss the time for his own afternoon nap. However, it was hard to focus when Rangiku kept mumbling in her sleep!

"No," she kept saying, "This is not right... no... don't... don't... go to him... No, sweety... Nooooooo!" she screaming awake, arms out stretched, as if she was trying to stop something or someone.

"What the matter with you!" demanded Hitsugaya, "You are loud even in your sleep!"

"O Captain!" Rangiku exclaimed, "It was horrible! I dreamt that I was the mother of a beautiful baby girl! She was so cute! I dressed her in a beautiful pink dress and tied her hair-up with pink ribbons! She was just learning to walk and so we decided to play a game. I was on one side of a room holding her favorite toy and of course I had her favorite things to eat," she said as she made her breasts jiggle, "My boob milk!"

"I got it!" barked Hitsugaya, "You don't have to jiggle your breasts and explain it to me!" he protested.

Rangiku went on as if he had not spoken, "I kept calling her to me but..." Rangiku sobbed, "She still went to him! Stupid Gin! Why! Why would my daughter keep going to him!" demanded Rangiku, "I had the toy and the boobs full of milk! He didn't have either of those and she was still like 'Daddy' and walking to him as fast as she could!" Rangiku wailed, "It's so unfair! Why is my baby girl such a daddy's little girl! I want her to be a Mama's girl!"

"Mama's boy," corrected Hitsugaya.

Rangiku suddenly stopped, "Come again," she prompted.

"The expression is Mama's boy," Hitsugaya reminded her.

Suddenly Rangiku smiled excitedly, "You are right Captain! That's the problem! I have to have a boy! If I had a little boy, he would always prefer me over Gin! In fact, Gin doesn't even want boys! So he'll totally ignore the little tyke and then I could have the boy all to myself! That's my genius captain for you! Thanks Captain! Now I can go back to sleep and not worry about having nightmares!" with that she promptly lay back down and curled-up.

"Oi! Stop that!" barked Hitsugaya, "If you are awake help with with this paperwork," but Matsumoto wasn't paying attention, indeed, it would seem that for all intent and purposes, she had gone back to sleep, which just made the vein pop on Hitsugaya's forehead, "MATSUMOTO!"

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Author's note: The latest chapter made me sad. So I wrote this to cheer myself up.


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